WILL I EVER MEASURE UP?

Dear Arthur,

You probably hear this a lot but I’ve got a total hangup about the size of my penis. I’ve heard lot’s of people say size doesn’t matter but I’ve had very little experience with other guys and I’m terrified I won’t measure up to their expectations. It doesn’t help that my ex-wife always ridiculed me about it. Also I watch a lot of porn now and the guys there are hung like donkeys. (Kevin, Hayes)

Well, Kevin, yes I do get this question with every mail bag and I’d have to be honest and say that after much reflection, yes, size DOES matter!!! ... [Stands well back and waits for cries of dismay to subside] ... Well, at least if you're ordering a new sofa from Ikea (what with that narrow hallway of yours!) or you're buying locomotives for a Russian railway company (as you do) which is when you’ll want to make sure they’re big in the gauge department.

However, in all questions regarding boys and their toys I can assure you smaller boys have as much fun and give every bit as much pleasure as their bigger brothers.

Admittedly your ex hasn’t helped matters here, nor indeed your porn diet. For chrissakes, Kev, that’s the movies. It’s Hollywood where everything is made to look big and great. Take Tom Cruise for example. I'm not saying he's small but I once saw him coming out of Gap For Kids in Beverley Hills. Know what I mean?!

I suspect part of the problem here is that you’re newly out and you’ve not had much experience with other guys. Well, in the coming months I’m sure you’ll be able to remedy that – in the name of research, of course – and by then you’ll be having that much fun you’ll discover it ain’t whatcha got but whatcha do with!