LG's agony uncle Arthur Martha is in the chair and ready to take your questions on life, love, lust and tales of the seventh penile dimension.

Whatever!

QUEENY LABELS

Dear Arthur,

I've heard expressions used that I am not understanding. An example was 'rice queen' and another, 'spud queen' What do these mean?

Gareth, Derby

Hi Gareth,

It's the nature of our media dominated world that everything seems to get a tag or a label these days. Basically, these expressions are a verbal shorthand to desciribe a variety of sub-groups in our community. Specifically, a 'rice queen' refers to a gay man who is keen on asian boys while 'spud queen' or 'potato queen' is a guy (often asian) who has a fondness for men of Irish origin ie. with big heads. Here's a quick run down of some of the most commonly used:

Hummus Queen: Likes arabic/middle eastern guys, also Greek

Snow/Dairy Queen: Black/Hispanic male preferring white guys

Bean Queen: Likes Hispanic guys

Chocolate Queen: Likes black guys

Sticky Rice: Asian guys liking asian guys

JUST WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Dear Arthur,

I'm sat here in the bare living room of my new flat, a week after we've sold the family home. I'm free at last but at the moment I can't move for packing boxes and I keep just sitting here in floods of tears thinking about the bloody mess I've made of things. I'm scared and I wish I could put everything back the way it was. Is it always going to be like this? (Jeremy, Barnet)


Dear Jeremy,

After everything you've been through lately, of course you're in floods of tears. For all that you wanted a new start, you're grieving for the life you've left behind. What's more, and I'm going to be totally honest here, things are going to get worse before they get better. Waves of guilt, recrimination and a fair dose of self-loathing are on the way. So, amn't I the cheery weatherman?

The point is, this is a stage that has to be gotten through and me saying 'there there' and drying your tears for you won't help you one little bit.

What will help though is if you exercise a degree of mental separation. Imagine your emotional cargo trundling down one track of your mind while on another track you can keep a clearer head and do your practical thinking. This is where you can start to change the things that you can actually change. Let's say you begin with those packing boxes. Get them all unpacked as soon as you can. Just find a place for everything and worry about the fine-tuning and feng shui later on. Quite quickly then you'll see a shape to your new home and the outline of a future.

But as for when the tears come again, as they will, that's the the time to head out into the real world and get yourself a dose of normality. Take a trip to the shops, or go and get a coffee. Have a sit in the park, get some air in your lungs and notice the people around you getting on with life, because life does go on, and it will for you too.

And finally, at the end of each day - give yourself a big hug. Sometimes life goes wrong but that doesn't make you a bad person.

Keep in touch, Jeremy, and let us know how it's going.

DOCTOR, I'M IN TROUBLE ...

Dear Arthur,

I'm recently seperated from my wife but I'm still registered with our family practice. We know the doctor socially and just of late there have been a couple of things I've wanted to get sorted but I'm embarrassed to do it at this practice. What should I do?

Dear Geoff,

Your immediate options are as follows. You could ask to see one of the other doctors in the practice or you can try and get signed on elsewhere. However, I'm thinking that you're best off staying right where you are. Moving practices is never very easy these days, especially when you already have a local doctor. As for seeing another doctor at the same practice, that's a bit like changing chairs on the titanic, and will be no less awkward.

Essentially, your relationship with your doctor has not changed. You're the same person you were and while you may be asking different questions to those you asked in the past they'll be nothing your physician has not encountered before.

I had just such an experience myself a few years back. I had a bit of trouble downstairs and oomed and aahed as to how I should broach the topic with the Doc. Anyway, come the time I just came out with it: 'Doctor, I've got a sore willy!!'. Straight back the doctor came, 'Oh not another one! Let's have a look then.'

You see they really have all seen it before. If on the other hand you have more pressing concerns and you'd really rather not see that doctor you can always visit your local STD clinic, usually at your nearest main hospital, or there are also private clinics available. As ever, just check the web.

Whatever the complaint. Don't let it fester. Get it seen to and get it fixed!

PLEASE, ARTHUR! WHAT IS 'VOGUEING'?

Dear Arthur,

Since I came out recently I have learned so many new expressions and examples of gay slang but I heard someone talking about vogueing. Please, can you explain what this is? (Henry, Bonn)

And a great big hello to Bonn! Honestly, LG's fame is spreading further all the time.

Well, Freddie, you've certainly put yours truly on the spot 'cos I've had to turn to my friend, Stanley, who knows about all these pop urban chiccy things.

Now, from what's he told me vogueing is, and I quote, 'a fusion of catwalk camp, fashionista fawning and trad drag strut all got up together in elaborate routines (practiced mainly by a bunch of slags and drags in the US)'. Stan assures me that it's now reached such a level of sophistication and competitiveness there are calls for it to be recognised as an Olympic sport with points for acrobatics, gymnastics and Brazilian capoeira (I'm sure that's what he picked up in Gran Canaria!).

Anyway, I think I've managed to dig out a clip which you can see below. Yes, it's very Grace Jones, very Madonna, but not my cup of tea, dear. I'll stick to dancing the Gay Gordons with Boris down at the White Swan if it's all the same to you, Henry.

KAYE GAY? OLIVIER QUEER? SHOME MISTHAKE SHURELY!

Dear Arthur,

Is there any truth to the rumours that Danny Kaye and Lawrence Olivier were lovers? (Mike, Cardiff)



Well Mike, I've only lately picked my jaw off the ground since I first heard this suggestion a few weeks back. In fact, so absurd a suggestion did it seem that it could only be true. I mean talk about chalk and cheese. There was Lawrence Olivier, a man's man and the greatest Shakespearean actor of his day, as contrasted with Danny Kaye, a fast-talking Borscht Belt comedian, the epitome of wholesome American family entertainment. Not to mention their respective marriages. Olivier to Vivien Leigh and Kaye to Sylvia Fine. Hardly the most reliable of litmus tests as all of on this site are all too aware, but still.

So, what truth, if any, is there to the rumour? As it happens a lot. It seems that Larry and Danny may well have been lovers on and off for eleven years and confirmation of that comes from the most unimpeachable of sources, Lady Olivier aka. actress Joan Plowright and Larry's second wife after Vivien Leigh. She seems to have blurted out the secret when she tired of being blamed for ending Olivier's marriage to Leigh. 'No, no,' she avered. 'Not guilty. Danny Kaye was on the scene long before I came along'.

And there you have it. If not exactly from the horse's mouth then certainly the nag's head.

ONLINE PERILS

Dear Arthur,

I don't know if the internet has gone mad or it’s just me (I'm very new to it all) but I met a guy through a well known dating website. I had already said I wasn’t looking for sex but anyway we agreed to meet on the South Bank where we had a pretty normal chat and then left it at that. However, he then followed me to Waterloo train station and yelled obscenities at me across the concourse and of course it was obvious to everyone that we had met on a gay website. I thought at one point he was going to hit me! I don’t know many gay people and so this seems to be the only way to meet guys but are they all going to be this crazy? (Jason, London)

Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a freaky time of it in the smoke, Jason. That is a hazard of the internet I’m afraid. It can tell you so much and yet tell you nothing. Ironically, more and more people are deserting the bars and the cruising grounds for the internet because they feel safer in that environment. Speaking for myself I much prefer to meet guys in bars and the like. Yes, I know some think the Scene is very superficial and casual but at least there you have more to go on. You’ll soon discover if a guy is best summed by a repeated hand gesture!

Assuming though that online dating is your main resource for hooking up with guys, here a few tips for more successful encounters in the future.

1. Be sure you’re profile is clear about what you’re looking for. You might tell someone that you’re not interested in sex but actually on your page you’ve ticked the ‘looking for 1-on-1 sex’ box. It could be argued you’re sending out a mixed message there.

2. Read other users profiles very closely. If there isn't much information on a guy’s page get him to fill in the blanks. Find out as much as you can about a person in advance. Fixing to meet up with a guy after you’ve only exchanged a send-and-reply volley of messages is maybe a bit risky. It’s a bit like bumping into a guy’s trolley in the supermarket. Sure it might lead to a coffee after the checkout but you’re not likely then to head straight back to his place. Be careful, be cautious, be choosy.

3. If you do decide to meet a guy then be sure and give yourself a get-out. Have in mind another appointment, real or imaginary, that you've got to keep and mention it when you first meet. If things are going well you can always 'postpone' it or 'put it back', but if they’re not, then you’ve got a pre-announced reason to leave.

Do bear mind though that this isn’t just about you. There is another person involved here and if he turns out not to be your type, or what you expected, treat him kindly and respectfully. Treat him as you would be treated yourself.

WILL I EVER MEASURE UP?

Dear Arthur,

You probably hear this a lot but I’ve got a total hangup about the size of my penis. I’ve heard lot’s of people say size doesn’t matter but I’ve had very little experience with other guys and I’m terrified I won’t measure up to their expectations. It doesn’t help that my ex-wife always ridiculed me about it. Also I watch a lot of porn now and the guys there are hung like donkeys. (Kevin, Hayes)

Well, Kevin, yes I do get this question with every mail bag and I’d have to be honest and say that after much reflection, yes, size DOES matter!!! ... [Stands well back and waits for cries of dismay to subside] ... Well, at least if you're ordering a new sofa from Ikea (what with that narrow hallway of yours!) or you're buying locomotives for a Russian railway company (as you do) which is when you’ll want to make sure they’re big in the gauge department.

However, in all questions regarding boys and their toys I can assure you smaller boys have as much fun and give every bit as much pleasure as their bigger brothers.

Admittedly your ex hasn’t helped matters here, nor indeed your porn diet. For chrissakes, Kev, that’s the movies. It’s Hollywood where everything is made to look big and great. Take Tom Cruise for example. I'm not saying he's small but I once saw him coming out of Gap For Kids in Beverley Hills. Know what I mean?!

I suspect part of the problem here is that you’re newly out and you’ve not had much experience with other guys. Well, in the coming months I’m sure you’ll be able to remedy that – in the name of research, of course – and by then you’ll be having that much fun you’ll discover it ain’t whatcha got but whatcha do with!

NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL

Dear Arthur,

I’ve been kicking myself all day. Last night I made a terrible, stupid mistake. I was in this bar and this really good looking young guy was making eyes at me and when I went to the loo he followed me in. Well the thing is we ended up in one of the cubicles and right away he had my trousers down around my ankles. It felt really exciting because I’ve never done that before. (Really?! Ed.). Anyway, having seen to me (... and you're a poet too! Ed.) he soon made his excuses and left, but it wasn’t until about twenty minutes later I realised my wallet and all my cash was gone from my back pocket. I'm 48 and you'd think I'd know better. (Peter, Manchester)


Darling, darling, darling Peter! You see this is exactly what happens when us chaps start thinking with our cocks and not with our brains. Although I suppose you were the suckee here, you’ve actually come out the sucker!

No, you haven’t been totally stupid, temptation lures us all, but you have been very careless and now you’ve paid the price. So, here’s what you’re going to do: you’re going to put this one down to experience; you’re going to make sure you never put your valuable items in a vulnerable place again; and next time you’ll be a bit more wary when a cute young things starts making eyes at you.

So, consider yourself well and truly finger-wagged at by your Uncle Arthur who’s much too crafty to be caught out like that. Well, with the tiny exception of the night I was left standing on a street corner while the guy I was with went to get some dope from his dealer - with the £20 I leant him! Ten minutes later I’m still there, thinking how long does it take to score some ganja … Doh!! Yes, I was the only dope that night, not forgetting the fifteen quid I’d stumped for a the taxi ride to the middle of nowhere. And I didn’t even get a blowjob out of it!!

ARE WE IN GAY HEAVEN OR HELL?

Dear Arthur,

I wonder if you could tell me what is the difference between Heaven and Hell? (Vincent, Colindale)

Dear Vincent,

Easiest question of the week dear! Hell is the one-night stand. Hell is other people's pillows. Hell is being chucked out first thing without any breakfast. Hell is one the one night stand that won't bugger off next morning. Hell is the one night stand that snored all night which was just adding insult to injury as he'd shot his load seconds after getting into my bed. Hell is the gorgeous guy who came to stay and made your weekend bliss by spending all of it with you and left you in a 'picking out the drapes’ daydream only to walk out your door never to call again. Hell is the resident ex that your stand still lives with - if looks could kill he'd be a mass murderer.

On the other hand, Heaven is meeting Mr.Right or Mr.Right-4-Now and being able to take yourself off the meat rack and delete all your internet dating profiles. Heaven is having that guy to come home to and share the highs and lows of your day with. Heaven is being a couple with each other for company, solace, reassurance, hugs and kisses.

Hell is today but Heaven is tomorrow and the cynics will tell you tomorrow never comes. Don't believe a word of it!